Mr. President, may I ask about this new constitutional amendment that you are submitting to Congress?

You darn well can, Bill. I think we’re on a wavelength here that Americans can be prouda.

Can you read us the wording of your proposed amendment, sir?

I gotta better idea. We gotta couple a wonderful kids who are gonna read it to you. What’s great about these kids is that they have just learned to read thanks to our new Literacy Volunteers of America Program. And what I love about this amendment—before ya hear it I have to tell ya this—what I love about it is that once this thing is in place and all, we’re gonna have hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions more illiterate in this country. These are gonna be kids born to teen-age mothers and impoverished mothers and homeless mothers, and if we’re lucky, they’re all gonna be illiterate because of, you know, the lack a some a the wonderful things we’re all so prouda like education and family values, and that’s gonna give a real big boost to this literacy program. Cause the more illiterates we got, the more opportunity for Americans to volunteer to wipe it out. I have a kinda dream thing about this. I see a country where we have illiteracy on such a scale, that every American even half able to read will be out there pitchin in, voluntarily, and helpin somebody who can’t. And now two wonderful kids are gonna read this great new amendment to uphold our most precious rights. Great-lookin, aren’t they? I just have to tell ya one personal thing about these kids: this is gonna be the first thing they’ve ever read.

A black girl and a Hispanic boy, in unison, read aloud: “Neither menstruation nor masturbation shall exist within the United States or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

Three four-syllable words in one sentence and it’s like these two great kids have been readin four-syllable words all their lives. Thanks to volunteers.

Sir, can you tell us exactly how you expect to get Americans, who have been menstruating and masturbating now for two hundred years, to stop?

Let me talk first about why we wanna get em to stop. The how-to we’re gonna leave to the states—we don’t want the federal government bein on people’s backs with stuff like this. But why are we gonna get rid of these things in this country? Because they’re wrong. Read your history books. Study the most time-honored societies and you’ll see where everybody has always been very, very troubled by these things. This isn’t somethin anybody hasta think about. This is a gut-feelin that people have had since the Bible. It continues down to today bein repulsive to most Americans because it’s got that kinda history behind it. These things just go too far.

Menstruation goes too far in what way, sir?

Menstruation is the murder of a human egg. And down the road a human egg is a potential human life. Right now that life is being allowed to flow out of all those millions of American uteruses—well, I don’t like to think about this anymore than anybody else; I don’t like to think about anything any more than anybody else, but when ya have stuff like this goin on with the frequency that this thing is—heck, it’s just wrong. When I look at my grandkids out sailin and playin ball, and they’re great kids, and I think that they were once little defenseless eggs of the kind that women are. And every twenty-eight days. This is documented. Every single woman in America between puberty and menopause, every twenty-eight days, well, it’s just plain wrong. Menstruation is murder and masturbation, of course, is worse. Masturbation is killin not just one egg. It is murderin sperms by the millions, and every one of them a potential life. Beyond that, we are talkin about somethin that isn’t happenin only once a month. If ya look at the figures—I’ve seen em, I’ve studied the reports on this, and when I saw those figures, I was staggered, I was horrified, I said, “You know, hey, look at all this.” I look at those wonderful grandkids of mine and I think about masturbation and I want this matter remedied. All the wonderful grandkids around America—it doesn’t bear thinkin about. Nothin does. But if I can come out against sellin nuclear explosives to American hunters, which I am considerin right now—and I myself love to hunt and to fish and to eat junk food and never to stop for a single second bein a regular American guy—then I am not goin to let devastation from masturbation be practiced on your grandkids and mine. Innocent sperms, murdered by the hundreds of billions—those are the kinds of figures we are gettin not from the entire country but from just one sample school district in Cleveland, Ohio, for an average week. That is dead wrong.


And, sir, how do you envision the states dealing with masturbation and menstruation?

Well, what my sense is, is this: get back to family values. As those boys and girls out there approach puberty, get back to those family values and nip this thing in the bud. Let’s take all this stuff out of the realm it’s been in and let’s get our kids and our grandkids married and havin kids and grandkids of their own to go out sailin with and tossin the ball around with and this amendment won’t need enforcin. Good clean fun, just like it says in the Bill a Rights. Everybody over twelve married, and big, big families like our own, God bless em, and millions and millions and millions of kids and grandkids, and half of em illiterate, and the other half volunteerin to teach em to read…. Call the person sittin in this office a dreamer, but that’s the kind of America I can envision for centuries to come.

This Issue

August 17, 1989