Crazy Talk

Ethan Miller/Getty Images
Sean Hannity interviewing President Trump before a rally in Las Vegas, September 2018

July 26. Rush Limbaugh on his three-hour daily show on Fox News Radio is answering an e-mail about an iPhone problem. “I get lots of these calls all the time,” Limbaugh says, and the solution comes fast: “It could well be because you hold the phone in your pocket the wrong way. You might have lint in the charge port.” This may sound like a commercial for iPhones, but the truth is that he loves Apple products and advertises them unpaid. The right way to carry the iPhone in your pocket, he tells his questioner, is with the screen against your leg; that way, if you bump into something, the screen won’t get the bump. And keep the bottom port on top—otherwise, it’s in the part of your pocket that could have lint. “What are you laughing about?

He’s off, talking now to his staff, who shoot him comments on his earphones. “Now they’re really laughing in there. You don’t think this is useful knowledge?” Why talk about the iPhone, they say, when we’ve just discovered water on Mars? This prompts an irritable riposte that quickly turns into a rant: on the irrelevance of Mars to a comfortable life on earth, on Elon Musk, who wants to go there and good riddance, and finally, of course, on the Democrats. Why, he asks, should he care about the water and microbial life on Mars? “It would prove the existence of life off our planet.” This last remark from his staff sets off the chain of explosions:

Fine. That proof will not last long because as far as the left is concerned, if there is life elsewhere in the universe, it’s gotta be much smarter than we are. If there’s life elsewhere, they’ve already solved abortion. They’ve solved nuclear disaster. They have solved racism, discrimination. They’re a perfect world, and the only reason they would be coming here would be to try to fix us. But then it’s decided we’re too far gone, and we’re not even worth saving, and that’s why aliens haven’t come yet…. I read the tech blogs every day, and they fantasize about every asteroid going by having an advanced civilization of life and that the asteroid’s actually coming here, and they’re examining us, and they keep going…. We’re so racist, we’re so sexist, we’re so anti-LGBTQ, that we’re not worth saving. So the asteroid keeps going and then the next one shows up and they start the fantasy all over again. I am not making this up! Well, no, the asteroid will never land. It will crash into earth and wipe us all out and our free health care with it.

The invaders coming down to inspect and reject us as a life form are doubtless an involuntary…

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