Mr. President, may I ask about this new constitutional amendment that you are submitting to Congress?
You darn well can, Bill. I think we’re on a wavelength here that Americans can be prouda.
Can you read us the wording of your proposed amendment, sir?
I gotta better idea. We gotta couple a wonderful kids who are gonna read it to you. What’s great about these kids is that they have just learned to read thanks to our new Literacy Volunteers of America Program. And what I love about this amendment—before ya hear it I have to tell ya this—what I love about it is that once this thing is in place and all, we’re gonna have hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions more illiterate in this country. These are gonna be kids born to teen-age mothers and impoverished mothers and homeless mothers, and if we’re lucky, they’re all gonna be illiterate because of, you know, the lack a some a the wonderful things we’re all so prouda like education and family values, and that’s gonna give a real big boost to this literacy program. Cause the more illiterates we got, the more opportunity for Americans to volunteer to wipe it out. I have a kinda dream thing about this. I see a country where we have illiteracy on such a scale, that every American even half able to read will be out there pitchin in, voluntarily, and helpin somebody who can’t. And now two wonderful kids are gonna read this great new amendment to uphold our most precious rights. Great-lookin, aren’t they? I just have to tell ya one personal thing about these kids: this is gonna be the first thing they’ve ever read.
A black girl and a Hispanic boy, in unison, read aloud: “Neither menstruation nor masturbation shall exist within the United States or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”
Three four-syllable words in one sentence and it’s like these two great kids have been readin four-syllable words all their lives. Thanks to volunteers.
Sir, can you tell us exactly how you expect to get Americans, who have been menstruating and masturbating now for two hundred years, to stop?
Let me talk first about why we wanna get em to stop. The how-to we’re gonna leave to the states—we don’t want the federal government bein on people’s backs with stuff like this. But why are we gonna get rid of these things in this country? Because they’re wrong. Read your history books. Study the most time-honored societies and you’ll see where everybody has always been very, very troubled by these things. This isn’t somethin anybody hasta think about. This is a gut-feelin that people have had since the Bible. It continues down to today bein repulsive to most Americans because it’s got that kinda history behind it. These things just go too far.
Menstruation goes too far in what way, sir?
Menstruation is the murder of a human egg. And down the road a human egg is a…
This is exclusive content for subscribers only – subscribe at this low introductory rate for immediate access!
Unlock this article, and thousands more from our complete 55+ year archive, by subscribing at the low introductory rate of just $1 an issue – that’s 10 issues online plus six months of full archive access for just $10.
Purchase a trial Online Edition subscription and receive unlimited access for one week to all the content on nybooks.com.